Conan Tries Out for the Rams

I wrote this for my comedy writing class as homework. Enjoy!

 

 

Conan Tries Out for the Rams - Conan / Sean McVay / Marcus Peters / Jared Goff / Ndamukong Suh

 

(Open on Conan and Sean McVay at Rams Training Camp)

 

Conan:

Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien and I am here with Los Angeles Rams head coach Sean McVay at Rams training camp. In what I hope is a try out to finally get me into the NFL and not a surprise paternity test proving that I’m your father.   

 

McVay:

 

(Laughter) No, no nothing like that but we are gonna work you out and see if you have the right stuff to be a Los Angeles Ram.

 

First, we are going to hook you up with Ndamukong Suh to see if you have the right stuff to make the defensive squad.

 

(Cut to Conan with Suh.)

 

Conan:

I am here with 5 time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All-Pro selection Ndamukong Suh.

Thanks for helping me out here!

 

Suh:

Yeah, no problem. So I am gonna teach you how to do something called a “swim technique.” It’s gonna help you get off the ball and attack the quarterback.

 

Conan:

Wait, why do I want to attack him?! He might be a good man!

 

Suh:

No, he is a bad man. He is trying to take your money.

 

Conan:

Is he robbing me at gunpoint is he mugging me for my wallet?

 

Suh:

Metaphorically!

 

Conan:

(Laughter.)

 

(Cut but remains on Conan and Suh)

 

Suh demonstrates the swim technique while explaining it

 

Suh:

So first you chop the offensive lineman's arms, this leaves your chest open so you have to be careful. Then, you grab their back and try to push them down.

 

Okay, now you try.

 

Conan:

Now, that does sound like a lot of fun, but how about this swim technique.

 

Conan puts on sunglasses and falls back into a kiddie pool.

 

Conan:

Oh, cabana boy!

 

A waiter walks over to Conan and gives him a tropical drink.

 

Suh shakes his head.

 

(Cut to Conan with Jared Goff)

 

Conan:

I am here with Pro Bowler and first overall selection in the 2016 draft, Rams quarterback Jared Goff! Jared thanks for helping me out.

 

Goff:

No problem but before we get you on the field we are gonna have to make sure you can handle calling a play so repeat after me:

 

West right slot, 72 Z bingo, U Split, gun 58, Lexus, apple 3 18, hammer, dummy snap on one. Ready break! (clap)

 

Can you repeat that back?

 

Conan:

Okay:

 

West Wing starring Martin Sheen, 72 Z bingo! (what kinda bingo board are you playing with?), U Split? No! you Leave!, Midsize sedan, I just bought the iPhone 3, what the iPhone 18 is out now? Andy Richter snap on one!

How’d I do?

 

Goff:

There is SOME room for improvement.

 

(Cut to Conan with Marcus Peters)

 

Conan:

I am now joined by 3 time Pro Bowler and 1-time first team All-Pro and cornerback for the Los Angeles Marcus Peters!

 

Now you are gonna teach me how to act like a pro football player?

 

Peters:

Yeah, half of being a pro is having the right attitude and swag.

 

Conan:

Alright, but maybe I already have more swag than you think! You know how the Rams are famous for having horn decals on their helmets?

 

Peters:

Sure, sure.

 

Conan:

Well, check this out!

 

Conan reveals a helmet with a big 3D orange pompadour hairstyle

 

Conan:

What do you think that opposing teams will think about this?

 

Peters:

Honestly, they would probably just laugh at you.

 

Conan:

Alright, then give me some tips then!

 

Peters:

Let’s work on your game face try something like this.

 

Marcus Peters gives the camera a truly terrifying look.

 

Peter:

Now you try.

 

Conan gives the camera puppy dog eyes.

 

Peters:

 

Maybe let’s move on to smack talk let hear what you got.

 

Conan:

How about something like “Hey sorry to hear your mother is so large due to her slow thyroid. My heart goes out to your family and I hope she gets the help she needs!” - How was that?

 

Marcus Peters shakes his head and walks away.

 

(Cut to Conan with Sean McVay)

 

Conan:

Okay, coach, you’ve had an eye on my all day, what do you say, did I make the team?

 

McVay:

Even though we aren’t gonna sign you today, We sure had a lot of fun with you and maybe we even learned a thing or two so we are gonna give you this custom Conan Rams jersey.

 

Conan:

 

Oh, wow, thank you very much! I love it! And hey even though the paternity test said I wasn’t your father maybe we could play a quick game of catch anyways?

 

McVay:

 

Sure. Sounds like fun.

 

As Conan walks away from McVay giving the two space to throw the ball, It is revealed that Jared Goff, Ndamukong Suh, and Marcus Peters are all in kiddie pools enjoying tropical drinks. As Conan and McVay start to play catch the camera zooms in on the players waiving