Conan Tries Out for the Rams

I wrote this for my comedy writing class as homework. Enjoy!

 

 

Conan Tries Out for the Rams - Conan / Sean McVay / Marcus Peters / Jared Goff / Ndamukong Suh

 

(Open on Conan and Sean McVay at Rams Training Camp)

 

Conan:

Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien and I am here with Los Angeles Rams head coach Sean McVay at Rams training camp. In what I hope is a try out to finally get me into the NFL and not a surprise paternity test proving that I’m your father.   

 

McVay:

 

(Laughter) No, no nothing like that but we are gonna work you out and see if you have the right stuff to be a Los Angeles Ram.

 

First, we are going to hook you up with Ndamukong Suh to see if you have the right stuff to make the defensive squad.

 

(Cut to Conan with Suh.)

 

Conan:

I am here with 5 time Pro Bowler and 3-time first team All-Pro selection Ndamukong Suh.

Thanks for helping me out here!

 

Suh:

Yeah, no problem. So I am gonna teach you how to do something called a “swim technique.” It’s gonna help you get off the ball and attack the quarterback.

 

Conan:

Wait, why do I want to attack him?! He might be a good man!

 

Suh:

No, he is a bad man. He is trying to take your money.

 

Conan:

Is he robbing me at gunpoint is he mugging me for my wallet?

 

Suh:

Metaphorically!

 

Conan:

(Laughter.)

 

(Cut but remains on Conan and Suh)

 

Suh demonstrates the swim technique while explaining it

 

Suh:

So first you chop the offensive lineman's arms, this leaves your chest open so you have to be careful. Then, you grab their back and try to push them down.

 

Okay, now you try.

 

Conan:

Now, that does sound like a lot of fun, but how about this swim technique.

 

Conan puts on sunglasses and falls back into a kiddie pool.

 

Conan:

Oh, cabana boy!

 

A waiter walks over to Conan and gives him a tropical drink.

 

Suh shakes his head.

 

(Cut to Conan with Jared Goff)

 

Conan:

I am here with Pro Bowler and first overall selection in the 2016 draft, Rams quarterback Jared Goff! Jared thanks for helping me out.

 

Goff:

No problem but before we get you on the field we are gonna have to make sure you can handle calling a play so repeat after me:

 

West right slot, 72 Z bingo, U Split, gun 58, Lexus, apple 3 18, hammer, dummy snap on one. Ready break! (clap)

 

Can you repeat that back?

 

Conan:

Okay:

 

West Wing starring Martin Sheen, 72 Z bingo! (what kinda bingo board are you playing with?), U Split? No! you Leave!, Midsize sedan, I just bought the iPhone 3, what the iPhone 18 is out now? Andy Richter snap on one!

How’d I do?

 

Goff:

There is SOME room for improvement.

 

(Cut to Conan with Marcus Peters)

 

Conan:

I am now joined by 3 time Pro Bowler and 1-time first team All-Pro and cornerback for the Los Angeles Marcus Peters!

 

Now you are gonna teach me how to act like a pro football player?

 

Peters:

Yeah, half of being a pro is having the right attitude and swag.

 

Conan:

Alright, but maybe I already have more swag than you think! You know how the Rams are famous for having horn decals on their helmets?

 

Peters:

Sure, sure.

 

Conan:

Well, check this out!

 

Conan reveals a helmet with a big 3D orange pompadour hairstyle

 

Conan:

What do you think that opposing teams will think about this?

 

Peters:

Honestly, they would probably just laugh at you.

 

Conan:

Alright, then give me some tips then!

 

Peters:

Let’s work on your game face try something like this.

 

Marcus Peters gives the camera a truly terrifying look.

 

Peter:

Now you try.

 

Conan gives the camera puppy dog eyes.

 

Peters:

 

Maybe let’s move on to smack talk let hear what you got.

 

Conan:

How about something like “Hey sorry to hear your mother is so large due to her slow thyroid. My heart goes out to your family and I hope she gets the help she needs!” - How was that?

 

Marcus Peters shakes his head and walks away.

 

(Cut to Conan with Sean McVay)

 

Conan:

Okay, coach, you’ve had an eye on my all day, what do you say, did I make the team?

 

McVay:

Even though we aren’t gonna sign you today, We sure had a lot of fun with you and maybe we even learned a thing or two so we are gonna give you this custom Conan Rams jersey.

 

Conan:

 

Oh, wow, thank you very much! I love it! And hey even though the paternity test said I wasn’t your father maybe we could play a quick game of catch anyways?

 

McVay:

 

Sure. Sounds like fun.

 

As Conan walks away from McVay giving the two space to throw the ball, It is revealed that Jared Goff, Ndamukong Suh, and Marcus Peters are all in kiddie pools enjoying tropical drinks. As Conan and McVay start to play catch the camera zooms in on the players waiving

Pokémon Mock Draft

jonders-Welcome to our first ever Pokémon mock draft!!! We here at Forward Pass Thinking know two things to be true: 1) mock drafts are idiotic, 2) Pokémon are awesome.

Oh yeah, person on TV, you’ve been grinding tape on Josh Rosen and you know for a FACT that the Browns are taking him number one overall. Lies! All dirty lies that I will have no part of. As we all know it takes two to lie.

You know what I’ve been grinding tape on? The first two seasons of the pokémon anime on Netflix. I binge watch that all day. And while we are here, why is Ash so incredibly stupid? I mean, I know he is just a 10-year-old, but come on, figure out the rock paper scissors mechanic. #TeamTrainerRedAllDay

So instead of selling you a false bill of goods on the incoming NFL rookies (who honestly, I know next to nothing about), I will be breaking down what I think all 32 teams would do in a Kanto Region Pokémon Draft by filling real NFL team’s needs with gen one pokémon.

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“Welcome all to the first annual Pokémon Draft! Are you a boy or a girl… Hmm, interesting. We are very excited for the 2018 Pokémon Draft to get started but first let me say, if I see any of you out there riding a bicycle I will lose my mind. You have no idea how upset it makes me. Seriously. If I even sense that one of you are riding your bicycle inside of this auditorium I will freak out so bad you will hear my voice in your head telling you to stop. DO NOT TEST ME. I AM THE POKéMON PROFESSOR AND I WILL BE LISTENED TO! (clears throat.) The Cleveland Browns are on the clock.”

1) The Cleveland Browns select Machoke, quarterback, Victory Road

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Analysis: Machoke is a day one starter in this league, with his strong arm and his ability to focus his energy to break down a defense. Machoke has his fair share of critics though, with many saying he will never hit his full potential unless he is traded.  

2) The New York Giants select Dodrio, Saftey out of Route 17

Analysis: Dodrio’s rare speed makes for an impressive safety. There have been rumblings of Dodrio wanting to be a two-way player, but the lack of good hands (or arms) might keep this player from being a great wideout. I expect this pokémon to give new meaning to the term “Cover 3 safety”.

3) The Indianapolis Colts Select Chansey, guard, Cerulean Cave

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Analysis: I love this move by the Colts. Getting this pokémon to protect Andrew luck is an incredibly smart move. And even if Chansey fails at protecting Luck, the pokémon’s medical knowledge will help bring Luck back to the field sooner.

4) The Cleveland Browns select Dugtiro, tackle, Diglett Cave

Analysis: I think this is a reach by Cleveland. Dugtrio’s small stature and limited movement skills make him far from the perfect tackle. Looks like the Browns tried to fill a need instead of taking the best pokémon on the board. 

5) The Denver Broncos Select Mewtwo, quarterback, Cerulean Cave

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Analysis: Wow, I for one cannot believe Mewtwo fell this far in the draft. Mewtwo’s unorthodox throwing motion may have led to his fall. (He throws the ball without ever touching it.) This pokémon appears to have psychic-like abilities. I think falling this far in the draft will lead to him having a chip on his shoulder and could end up giving him an against the world mentality (that shouldn’t be too dangerous, right?)   Mewtwo is a true field general who is always in complete control of the field.

6) The New York Jets select Muk, defensive tackle, Power Plant

Analysis: This pokémon is toxic to offensive linemen. Muk has a wide variety of moves to win at the line that includes minimize and haze.

7) The Tampa Bay Buccaneers Select Kingler, outside linebacker, Route 23

Analysis: Kinglers lateral movement skills are unmatched by any other OSL I have ever seen. It will be interesting to see how this pokémon fits in with the Buccs though, reports are Winston has already been caught looking at Kingler's legs. I expect him to rush the passer more often then he drops into coverage.

8) The Chicago Bears select Blastoise, defensive tackle, Pallet Town 

Analysis: For a DT, this pokémon has a swim pass rushing technique that unparalleled. Blastoise lives up to his name by being able to blast past the offensive line on almost every play.

9) The San Fransico 49ers select Arcanine, defensive end, Fire Stone University

Analysis: This pokémon’s fiery personality may have scared some teams off, but with Arcanine’s takedown ability and his great speed, truly make him a can’t miss talent. This pokémon’s special stats are unbelievable.

10) The Oakland Raiders select Haunter, cornerback, Pokémon Tower

Analysis: This pokémon is bound to put a scare in wideouts across the league. Haunter is sure to make any quarterback see ghosts in the backfield. 

11) The Buffalo Bills select Tauros, defensive end, Safari Zone

Analysis: Isn’t this just an aesthetically pleasing pairing? Tauros’ bull rush will scare off quarterbacks in the league.   

13) The Washington Orangeskins Select, Zapdos, safety, Power Plant

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Analysis: This electric player has the tools to become truly legendary. Zapdos is a true ball hawking safety and his agility will make him an impact player on every play. 

14) The Green Bay Packers select Golduck, running back, Route 6

Analysis: Golduck is a cerebral player who is stronger than he lets on. Although, as a running back his strength is running between the tackles, he has proven to be a slippery option in the passing game.

15) The Arizona Cardinals select Moltres, safety, Victory Road

Analysis: This is a match made in heaven. I couldn’t imagine a better replacement for Honeybadger. Moltres is a sideline to sideline free safety that will push the Cards defense to the next level. I can’t believe Moltres fell this far in the draft.

16) The Baltimore Ravens select Kabuto, wide receiver, (The Past?) 

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Analysis: The speed and determination are there in this pokémon, but if you ask me he lacks NFL hands.

17) The Los Angeles Chargers select Voltorb, defensive tackle, Power Plant

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Analysis: I think this is a huge reach for the Chargers. If you ask me, Voltorb plays DT like he is wearing roller skates. Some say Voltorb has “Explosive” play, but this pick could lead to the Chargers self-destruction.

18) The Seattle Seahawks select Lapras, guard, Silph Co. Head Quarters

Analysis: Lapras has amazing size, but shaky hands. This is still a good move for protecting the franchise in Russell Wilson. You can surely ride this pick all the way to victory (Get it. Ride? No?)

19) The Dallas Cowboys take Dragonite, outside linebacker, ???

Analysis: Dragonite is a once in a generation type talent at outside linebacker. His speed, strength, and size make him all but impossible to stop. The only thing that slowed him down in college was when he played in icy conditions.

20) Detroit Lions select Poliwarth, tight end, Water Stone State

Analysis: This pokémon is just as impressive in the passing game as he is in the run game. It almost as though he can lull his opponents to sleep at will.

21) The Cincinnati Bengals select Pidgeotto, wide receiver, Route 15 

Analysis: Pidgeotto runs the most beautiful routes you have ever seen. There is still room for improvement in this player though. I would have rather the Bengals take a more pro-ready pokémon like Articuno.

22) The Buffalo Bills select Jolteon, running back, TSU

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Analysis: With McCoy aging every day, the Bills won’t want to miss a beat and will keep a quality backup waiting in the wings to be an heir to the throne. Jolteon can provide the thunder as he shows off his electric moves on the field.

23) Los Angeles Rams select Pinsir, middle linebacker, Safari Zone

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Analysis: This bone crushing pokémon is a force to be reckoned with when crossing the middle of the field. Its ability to cut through a wideout on contested balls is unmatched. 

24) The Carolina Panther select Rhydon, defensive tackle, Victory Road

Analysis: This rock-solid defensive end knows strength and knows how to use it! While it may not be fair, nowhere in the NFL rulebook does it say anything about it being illegal to use a horn, and his horn attaches pass rush technique is next to impossible to stop.

25) The Tennesse Titans select Snorlax, tackle, Route 12

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Analysis: This pokémon is being brought in to block for Mariota. Defensive ends around the league are fearing the idea of battling Snorlax out on the gridiron. We sure hope theTitans coaching staff have a pokéflute laying around, or this player might be found asleep on game day.

26) The Atlanta Falcons select Scyther, outside linebacker, Safari Zone

Analysis: Scyther’s speed and fury attack make him an incredible pass rusher. This player can also cover a lot of ground in the passing game as well, making for a truly versatile player.

27) The New Orleans Saints select Abra, quarterback, Route 24

Analysis: With Drew Brees coming to the latter years of his career, Abra is a perfect developmental player to have on the bench for the next few seasons. And with his psychic abilities, he will be a perfect fit for the city of New Orleans.

28) The Pittsburgh Steelers select Hitmonchan, cornerback, The Fighting Dojo

Analysis: This punchy corner is just the type hard-hitting  player the Steelers love. Hitmonchan is great at the line of scrimmage but will rarely come up with interceptions due to the large boxing gloves it has for hands.  

29) The Jacksonville Jaguars select Charmander, quarterback, Pallet Town

Analysis: A much different type of “day one starter”. The Jaguars are hopeful they can develop this prospect into a quarterback that could be a face of the game.

30) The Minnesota Vikings select Pikachu, running back, Pallet Town

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Analysis: This flashy pokémon looks to instantly give a jolt to the Vikings offense on third downs as a scat back.

31) The New England Patriots select Mew

Analysis: The Pats do it again. Once again, the Patriots pull a rabbit out of their hat by selecting the best pokémon in the draft. This pick will go down in Pats history as the best draft pick they ever made. Tom who? Mew is the best role player the league has ever seen. I expect Mew to be selected as an All-Pro at every position.

32) The Philadephia Eagles select NidoKing, defensive end, Moon Stone U

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Analysis: The kings of the football world add another king... and another defensive end. The Eagles won't rest until they have every defensive lineman in the league under contract.

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